So beyond me.

Today was one of those days that reminds me that, even when I might feel as if I have some semblance of control over our days, it's really truly out of my hands. 

Today, day 17 since Lilly's expansion surgery, she began to run a fever. 

This whole week, we have been a little suspicious that something might be brewing.  Her incisions started looking a little funky early this week and started even having a bad smell (which reminded me of how they smelled when she had her last infection).  She also began having more pain, night terrors, and a bizarre itchy red rash (some like hives) all over her body, mainly on her legs, sides, and back.

Not liking what we were seeing, we had some blood work done on Wednesday and I kept the doctor's appointment for her on Thursday that I had almost cancelled when the doc late last week was able to put in some referrals (for other issues that have come up recently with her right hand function and strength and possible neurological problems) for us without actually seeing Lilly.

Of course, the day you go to the doctor is the day that everything looks great and they wonder why you are sitting there in the doctor's office...

• The blood work actually didn't look terrible--white count was normal and CRP was slightly elevated but nothing like how high it went during her last infection and could totally be attributed to recent surgery. 
• Her incisions actually began to look better because we had removed her funky steri strips and placed a fresh dressing over the incisions.
• Her rash was nearly gone.

So, of course, the family practice doc we were seeing (and Tom and I as well) were really no longer concerned about infection.  Ready to move on into the rest of our week--which included back to school orientations for all of the kids & Jared's marching band's first football field show--as well as get ready for next week--which holds big things like 4 kids starting 10th grade, 7th grade, 1st grade, and kindergarten as well as Chinese school for 3 girls on Sunday afternoons. 

(Oh, and not to mention my starting in my new role as a Core Group leader for Community Bible study, and Tom and me beginning to get the ball rolling for co-hosting/leading a new home group from church, and continuing to do my marathon training--only 5 weeks to go!--and hoping to up the intensity of all of my workouts now and maybe shed a few of the stubborn post-adoption, post-surgery pounds that are ignoring my attempts at self-discipline in eating and intense fitness regimen...and hoping to maybe even start teaching spin classes at a gym again...and...and...and...but I digress...)

Today, however, concerns quickly picked back up.  Lilly's sleep patterns have been all over the map this week. This morning, however, when she slept till 9:30am, barely touched her breakfast, wanted to be carried to and from the park and barely played at the park, and then just wanted to be held after lunch, I knew something was up. When she complained that her head hurt and her shoulder and arm hurt and she felt warm, I began the obsessive-compulsive temperature-taking. The first two times I took it this afternoon, it was normal. Then it began to climb. Highest today hasn't been too high...101.7...but anything above 100.4 is of concern when dealing with possible post operative infection.

So, making this long saga a little shorter...after talking with Doctor Campbell, we filled some remaining refills on her oral antibiotics from the last infection and started her on them this afternoon. She should start to feel better in a few days, and hopefully can start school on time without missing a beat.  Now we wait and pray that this infection has not made its way to her hardware, where antibiotics are ineffective. 

In the category of brutal transparency:  Did I mention this is not how I had planned to spend our Labor Day weekend before schools starts?  And did I mention that not only do I feel immense concern for Lilly but also pangs of mother guilt when Isabel suddenly feels the need to point out every scratch and owie she might have on her legs or arms and whimpers and whines when I carry a weary and feverish Lilly around but can't pick her up too?  I might also add that feeling so very out of control and inadequate for such circumstances just makes me want to eat chocolate--or maybe have a glass of red wine--and that's really not what will make those stubborn pounds slip away.  Clothes fitting too tightly doesn't enhance my mood at all either. 

Yes, it's all beyond me.

Thank the Lord He's got it all in His hands and nothing takes Him by surprise.  Earlier today, when Lilly's tylenol had kicked in we walked to the park.  On the way, she wanted to sing together.  When she asked me what I wanted to sing, the only songs I could think of were "When I am afraid, I will trust in you," "Our God is so big..." and "Jesus Loves Me."

Indeed, "they are weak but He is strong." Personalizing it a bit, I am weak, but He is strong.

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.   Proverbs 18:10

6 months as a family of 6

Six months ago, in a government office in Zhengzhou, China, it started like this:

From cautious and hesitant, to terrified, to seemingly relaxed and happy--all in about 45-minutes' time.

Then, a matter of days later, our brood of kids looked like this:

And we were all happy--thrilled that our journey to Isabel had finally come to its fruition, thrilled to be home after the long adoption trip, thrilled to begin a new journey of grafting in a new family member and establishing 3 new sibling-relationship-dynamics. 

As grueling and long as the adoption process can be, and as emotionally and physically taxing as the adoption trip itself can seem (especially when you leave the other kids home), I knew at this moment in time that our harder work was still to come.

The true journey for Isabel to grow genuinely comfortable, relaxed, and at home in our family, naturally, is an ongoing process.  One that refines each of us uniquely.  One that requires grace and patience and flexibility and stamina.  The end result is beauty; like many things in life worth doing, however, the process is not always easy or fun.

I recently read a blog post by a blogger that has a way of capturing the truth of life and emotions with humor and great writing.  You can read her post here.  I cannot come close to capturing the truth of adoption with the degree of humor and insight that Jen has done.  But I can completely relate to the different "stages" that an adoptive family goes through in that first year.  And I am happy to tell you about our family and how things are going six months later...

It is amazing to me that we have been a family of 6 for 6 months already.  

The first half of Isabel's six months with us was primarily spent at my side, helping me around the house, playing with me while the others were at school and work, running errands with me, and simply soaking up one-on-one mama time.  The afternoons were my easiest time of day because, once the girls got home from school, Isabel was completely engulfed in their world of play and fun and I was freed to do housework and cook dinner. 

Then came summer.  Which, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you know has been quite full with vacations, camps, trips, medical visits, and summer fun.  This has been 3 months for Isabel to spend with her siblings and friends in the neighborhood, get comfortable in a pool, play outside a lot, and spend time with extended family.  She did well with a week of Vacation Bible School at church (in the same group as Lilly) and did some semi-private swimming lessons (again, with Lilly) at our neighborhood pool.  Summer is more chaotic with less routine, and Isabel has had to learn to cope with lack of structure...not easy for her as she prefers the predictable.  Our many road trips have taught her about the permanence of our home--we always come back to it when we've been away--and the older kids' overnight camps have taught her about the permanence of our family.

Through all of these months, we have been catching Isabel up on her immunizations and seeing a developmental pediatrician to assess her global developmental delays and determine what might be the cause of them.  Her doctor is quite thorough and ran a battery of genetic tests (all normal) and ordered an MRI of her brain (which she underwent yesterday with no sedation--what a trooper) to see if there are any clues.  If the MRI is normal, then we have to assume her delays stem from environmental/nurture factors and proceed from there.  Otherwise, aside from being emotionally immature and physically uncoordinated, she is physically healthy and behaviorally pretty normal, for which we are thankful.

I also spent time in the spring working with the school system to get an IEP in place so that when she starts kindergarten in less than two weeks there is already a plan in place and her teachers will already know of her needs and delays.  Isabel has been talking about school excitedly since the spring--watching Lilly get onto and off of the bus each day and do her homework made her excited to do the same--and she is still looking forward to kindergarten this fall.  I am eager to see how she does with the separation initially, and with the adjustment to classroom routines and a completely English-speaking environment.   We have school supplies, a back pack, and new shoes...so in that regard, we're ready. 

Isabel's English is coming along...especially her receptive English (understanding what is said to her).  In fact, tonight as we headed out for our family date night in the car, it dawned on Tom and me that she actually gets Tom's jokes sometimes now (and, like her siblings, rolls her eyes at them!)  Her expressive English (what she can say) is a not quite as developed, but she can carry on a pretty good conversation and tell some stories in Chinglish.  Today, she carried on an imaginary conversation with her friend, Yuan Yuan (the 12 year old whose family adopted her and was part of our travel group when we adopted Bella), on her toy cell phone, most of which was in English ("hello? what?  What you say? Why?  Where' your mama?")   I'm sure that being in a school setting with only English being spoken will help with the expressive language...can't wait to see. 

Isabel's early years are, and always will be, a mystery to us:  Abandonment in a rural village of Henan Province at around the age of 3, for unknown reasons. Developmental delays identified upon abandonment.  Living for the next 2+ years in an orphanage, with an intervening short stint of evenings and weekends with a "foster family."  On her first "birthday" in our family (the date they assigned as her estimated birthday when she was brought to the orphanage), I found myself musing on her early years, wondering who had carried her, given birth to her, and held her those early days and months.  Wondering what could possibly motivate a mother (or, perhaps, a father, or aunt or uncle or grandparent) to abandon their little girl at the age of 2 or 3?  Any number of scenarios cross my mind, and I'm sure there are many more scenarios that would never even occur to me, coming from a foreign culture and background; but we'll never know for sure.  So I am learning to become comfortable with the mystery and preparing myself to have to try to explain this mystery to her someday when she is curious. 

Because of the mystery of her past, however, we face more unknowns in her future.  I am certain that the road to her maturation and development will not be quick nor easy. 

But--here's the joy--the privilege of loving her, watching her gain skills, teaching her many new things, giving her opportunities to develop and mature...that privilege is ours.  Her family.

So here's to the next 6 months, and the next, and the next...may they continue to bring joy even amidst the growing pains, and may we each have eyes to see the long view.

    

Family

Family

Yesterday, just before our social worker arrived at our house for our 6-month post-placement visit, Isabel asked me in Chinese "why did I come here?"  She was referring to coming to join our family, since I had--just minutes before--explained why Daddy hadn't yet left for work since he was waiting for our social worker to come and talk about how things were going with Isabel in our family.

"Why did I come here?"  An interesting question, to be sure.  One that most children never need to ponder or ask their parents. 

So, I turned off my hair dryer (I was actually taking the time to do my hair before meeting with the social worker...summer ponytail on hiatus for 24 hours), squatted down to Isabel's eye level, and told her she came here because we loved her.  We had seen her photo and read about her, and knew that in China she didn't have a mama and baba and we really wanted her to come and be our daughter.  We wanted to be her Mama and Baba.  And so we worked really hard at all the paperwork and were so excited when China told us we could come and meet her and bring her home.

Isabel soaked all of these words up, looking me straight in the eye with a sheepish smile, and leaned into me.  "I love Mama and Baba" was her response. 

Family. 

We have had a lot of time with our families this summer, and it has been wonderful. 

A week at Deep Creek Lake in Maryland with my family was a fabulous blend of outdoor fun, yummy shared meals, late night card games for the grown ups, and just doing life together with cousins and Aunts and Uncles and Nana and Pap Pap and the "grand-dogs" for a whole week.  We had our own "red neck spa"--a blog post in and of itself for another day--but let me just say that spending time picking nits from little girls' heads with your family brings bonding to a whole new level.

Jared and Joshua's night to cook--tacos!  Well done, lads!

We pulled it off--despite the rain--everyone dressed and smiling!

AUnt Ollie and most of the girls...they LOVE their Aunt Ollie!

My girls and me...I am so blessed.

Everyone got in the water--even the dogs.  No wait, Nana didn't get in!



After a week at home to do laundry, recover from our vacation, and finish up Anna's summer swim league meets, the kids and I headed north to drop Anna off for a week of camp at Mount Gilead--a Christian girls' camp in Pennsylvania at which two of our nieces are currently counselors.  The drop off at the camp was easier emotionally for Isabel than the drop off for Jared earlier in the summer, since she had seen Jared happily return home three weeks later and she now better understood the permanence of our family. 

After dropping Anna off, we headed to Grammy and Pop Pop's house in New Jersey, where the kids and I spent the ensuing week hanging out with Uncle Jer and Auntie Em, Peter and Naomi, and Grammy and Pop Pop.  We also got to see several other cousins and other Aunts and Uncles. We had lots of fun doing summer things--like the County Farmer's Fair, swimming at a local lakeside beach, swimming in the pool, shopping for back-to-school shoes, and a fun day of hiking for Jared and me at a place called Hawk Mountain Preserve.  During the week, we got to watch how family cares for family as Pop Pop had knee replacement surgery early in the week--and Grammy stayed at the hospital for many hours with Uncle Jer and Aunt Judi taking turns checking in on them there.  And we got to be amazed by Pop Pop's determination to bounce right back and faithfully do his PT exercises to strengthen his leg.   Most of all, we got to simply enjoy *being* with our extended family, something that many years of military moves all around the world has made scarce.

"Tank-full Tuesday"

Many bloggers use weekly titles like "Wordless Wednesday" (to post photos only) or "Thankful Thursday" (to talk about what they are thankful for). 

I was just struck this morning with the many different things for which I am extremely thankful.  So, in the vein of Thankful Thursday on a Tuesday, it's "Tank-full Tuesday" because I am thankful and the tank of my heart is full of gratitude.

• Jared survived his 3-week stay at SALT--where the boys were challenged physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  He learned a lot, made some good friends, and rose to the occasion for the many challenges they threw at him.  And it's so good to have him home again, bug-bitten and weary as he is.
• Lilly and Isabel are, most of the time, really a lot of fun together.  They crack each other up and when they smile at one another, my heart melts.  Even though we are working on behaviors and attitudes in many areas with each of them, I am thankful these sweet little girls get to grow up together.
• Anna is maturing and is becoming a hard worker at home and a helper at church.  She is helping the preschool teacher for this week's vacation Bible school at church and is really enjoying it.  She is also enjoying her summer league swim team which is a little bit less intense than her year-round team.  She is dropping time on all of her swims and is one of the fastest girls in her age group, which is a nice change from being middle-of-the-pack during the winter season.
• I am thankful for healthy bodies and minds, for an extended period of an infection-free Lilly, for a church family where we are making new friends and hearing solid Biblical preaching, for neighbors who are friendly and fun and helpful.
• I'm thankful for a partner in Tom--for shared love, vision, and commitment.  Even though our lives are so full and time for us to be alone or "date" is limited, I am thankful for the fact that Jared and ANna are old enough and responsible enough (and Bella is comfortable enough already) for us to head out to run quick errands or grab a quick bite together now and then.
• I'm thankful for our families and the upcoming opportunities we're going to have to spend time with each of them this summer.

Tanks for reading!

On Another Roll...More Language Lessons...

I love the ball of yarn we get wrapped up in around here sometimes with language.  Lilly oftentimes needs me to translate what Bella is saying in Chinese (and even more often, I have to translate the reverse direction for Bella regardless of who is talking to whom.)  Today, our conversation went like this:

Lilly: "Mom, what does "ting bu dong" mean? (Chinese for "I don't understand (what you're saying)")

Me: "I don't understand what you're saying."
Lilly: (more loudly and slowly) "MOM!  WHAT DOES 'TING BU DONG' MEAN?!"
Me (laughing): "it MEANS 'I don't understand what you're saying!'"

And, for my friends who read this blog but who are not on Facebook to have read this earlier today, Lilly was so tickled today.  This afternoon, Lilly came running over to me beaming and said "MOM! I talked to Bella in English and she answered in ENGLISH! That makes my heart so happy!" The question she had asked Bella in English was "Are you my BFF?" and Bella's answer was "Yep."

Blogging (er, or not) at the Speed of Life

It can't be done.  Not at the speed of our lives these days.

NOT blogging, well that pretty much defines the speed of our lives these days.  Maybe you'd noticed?  Or maybe no one even checks anymore to see if there is anything new (ok, I know at least Donna still does...:)) 

Nearly every day at least one thing happens or one thing is said that sparks a blog post idea in my little mind, but the moments pass and the days pass and the weeks pass and the thoughts get all jumbled and I forget all the profound and funny things I had wanted to share. 

It's easier just to not try to capture it all or, instead, to put up a Facebook status update...the instantaneous way to share little snippets with so much less thought or effort right from my trusty little iPhone.  Besides which, the laundry piles up (again), the dishes get dirty (again), the floor and table get sticky (again), we run out of milk (again), the little girls need baths (again)...I rarely sit down in front of a real keyboard to attempt to write.

Until I realize that is really HAS been about six weeks since I've recorded anything here and that amounts to fully HALF the amount of time that Isabel has been home.  And that, my friends, is unacceptable.

Blogging, you see, is my way of processing our lives.  This blog is really my own selfish little therapeutic vehicle.  And it's time for some writing therapy.

Since all of the potential blog posts are now a mish-mash in my feeble brain, this blog post will itself be a random mish mash of thoughts...be forewarned.
Mothering Four:  Let me start with a saying I've heard that "a mother is only as happy as her saddest child."  I've also heard it said that "to become a mother is to forever have your heart walking around outside your own body."  Both of these sayings ring true with me.  So with 4 children, I have a pretty good chance of feeling angst at any given time.  Especially when their age range means that I have someone in high school while still having a preschooler at home with me.  Juggling is not an adequate word for what I do every day. 
Birthdays, Birthdays, Birthdays:  June is a big month for us!  Isabel turned 6 and Anna turned 12.  We celebrated Bella's birthday with cupcakes and ice cream sodas on the front lawn with neighborhood friends, and Anna will have her kids' party this Friday--a "Dramatic Fanatic" mystery party.  Last weekend we had my folks here for a celebration, and it was SO much fun to see all the little girls together.  SO good, too, to have some time to catch up as a family. 

Sisters and Friends: Oh my goodness are Lilly and Bella ever two peas in a pod these days.  I know Bella is excited to have Lilly home for the summer.  They play together--usually really nicely--ALL the time.  Their favorite place to play is in our front yard...they take a blanket and what seems like ALL of their toys outside and just play play play.  They most often play with their babies, and recently set up birthday parties for all of the baby dolls outside with some creative props.  Frequently neighborhood kids come over and playwith them, which they (and I!) love.  Take a look:

Lilly lost her first tooth...the tooth fairy broke with tradition and actually showed up the very night that she lost it.












School is OUT! The school year ended with the usual crazy few weeks filled with end-of-year field trips, concerts, musicals, plays, performances, parties, and--in Anna's case--her second elementary school graduation in as many years. (Florida's elementary school ended in 5th grade, Virginia's elementary schools extend through 6th).

I am so proud of each of the kids for making it through their first year in a new school system--in Jared's case his first year of high school, in Anna's case a year at the top of a school where most of the kids have been together for 6 years, and, in Lilly's case, her first year of full-time school with 3 surgeries in one school year. Witness the transformation in Lilly this year:

 

First walk to the bus stop...looking unsure...

Here comes the bus for the first time...downright terrified (mama's heart breaking here)...

Proud kindergartener on her last day of school, heading to the bus stop...what a long way she has come!

Lilly and her beloved Mrs. LaDestro...Isabel is hoping she'll be her teacher next year.

Summer Plans:

"I like the things that summer brings, it brings so many many things..." Dr Seuss.

We have many fun things planned for the summer, and I know it is going to fly by.  Swim team, a few summer piano lessons, a week of vacation with my family at a lakeside cabin, a week of summer camp for Anna, Vacation Bible School, and--for Lilly--another expansion surgery ahead in August.  Throw into the mix some fun day trips I have in my mind to do, and it could be a really fun summer.

Jared started his summer vacation by heading off to the hills of West Virginia yesterday for 3 weeks of SALT--Servants' and Leaders' Training--at a Christian camp.  He is pretty excited about it, and we are excited for the ways God might use this experience to draw him closer to the Lord and mold in him a servant-leader's heart.  Isabel had a really hard time saying goodbye--sobbing after we prayed over him and said our goodbyes. "Where will he sleep?" and "What will he eat?" seemed to be her main concerns...made me wonder if she thinks we're leaving him at an orphanage. I assured him he is very excited, and that he will have plenty to eat and he likes to sleep outside in a tent, really.  After dropping him, we enjoyed Father's Day in the great outdoors, hiking along some gorgeous trails...

All for now!!  Another post for another day...Isabel's medical testing, educational testing, and prospects for her growth and development.