Happy New Year, Take 2

Day  6 of playing in the snow...

So, a week has passed since the blizzard of 2016, aka "snowzilla" as dubbed by a Washington Post Capitol Weather Gang poll.  What a difference a week makes.  The air today was absolutely balmy, and Tom and I were able to go out with no jackets to continue to shovel heavy, wet, melting snow off of the road to uncover some parking for visitors to our cul de sac today.

The kids enjoyed/endured (depending on which of my kids you might talk to) an entire week off of school, and this tacked onto last week's school week that started with MLK day and a teacher work day, and ended with two snow days.  So in the past 14 days my kids have gone to school ONCE.

Lately I have been feeling sort of heavy and hazy and foggy and blah.  As I thought about some of the possible reasons for this, I realized that--between Christmas break, holiday travel, surgery, school holidays, and weather-related cancellations--there has been only precisely ONE week in which we have all been going about normal routines since December 17th.  Phew.

No wonder.  No wonder it feels like 2016 has yet to really begin for me.

So tomorrow, even though the school has already called a  2-hour delay because of icy sidewalks and dangerous conditions for those kids who walk to school or stand at bus stops on busy roads with sidewalks that are still not cleared, I look forward to trying again to start 2016.

Happy New Year, friends!

When a Snow Day Doesn't Bring Cheers of Joy

For many of us, childhood memories of "snow days" from school are rich and warm.  I can remember, growing up in western Pennsylvania, when they would cancel school the night before based on late night snowfalls and predictions of accumulation through the night.  Those were the nights we would head outside all bundled up with our sleds, and whoop and holler as we sledded for hours down the hill in our back yard with the house's flood lights shining, trying to avoid the creek at the bottom of the hill.  We would come in only when our fingers or toes were numb or nature called...once inside the cozy house my mom would have hot chocolate and warm homemade donuts ready with a variety of toppings and glazes to choose from.  The next morning we could sleep late, though we usually didn't because we were eager to see how much snow had fallen and to get back outside for more snow day fun.

Good memories.  Pure fun, a break from the daily grind. No worries except to make sure we had enough dry mittens and our boots stayed on our feet in the drifts.

Snow days in my home these days, however, have a different feel for me today.

It feels different in part because I'm now the mom and responsible for making sure all the mittens and hats and coats and boots and scarves are at the ready, helping each small person get bundled properly and re-bundled when things fall off or get too wet, helping get unbundled when a potty is needed, and making sure everyone is adequately nourished and hydrated for the day's activities.  I'm also concerned with making sure I am helping my husband clear the cars and driveway, making sure the elderly neighbors are safe and provided for during the storms, and mopping up all the melted snow and ice from the floors from people going in and out.

Making it even more different, however, is the fact that, at least for one of my children, the disruption that a snow day causes to normal routines has the potential to throw her into an emotional tailspin.  Rather than cheers of "hooray!" when a school closure is announced the night prior, I am met with tears and wails of "when will I get to take my spelling test?!" or "oh no!  I'm going to miss art!"

No amount of reasoning or rationalizing with her will help; it's beyond rational thought.  What she most needs is sympathy, unconditional love, hugs, and support.  But those things are not always easy to give when she's in that state...hugs are often met with a rigid pushing away, more tears, and louder whining.

She does enjoy the snow to an extent, but cannot stay outdoors nearly as long as her siblings and friends, which presents the extra challenge of finding entertainment indoors.  Her personality also makes this more difficult than for some kids, as she isn't often able to think of things to do with herself independently.  And all the extra time with neighborhood friends and siblings can be challenging for a kid who struggles a bit to play cooperatively and stay emotional regulated for any length of time.  Not only does she get emotionally dysregulated, but in the end it also makes those with who she is playing wondering what they've done wrong when she starts to get upset.

The end result, for me, is exhaustion.  Exhaustion not just from the shoveling, cooking, entertaining, and snow-related wardrobe issues, but emotional exhaustion from trying to soothe and help this child of mine, trying to help her navigate relationships with siblings and friends, and trying to remain the calm adult presence for her.

I know I must not be alone; surely there are others, possibly reading this post, who can relate?  Please tell me if you can.  Let's help one another.

I don't have many solutions to offer right now, but a few little things I will say I have found that help are:

• my own personal prayer time is even more important to get my heart and mind in order before I greet her for the day.  This has been hard as our sleep schedules are all over the place and I'm  fighting  cold.  I need to kick my butt out of bed earlier.
• making sure she is well fed and hydrated is more important than most days.  A little bit of snack food or a glass of water go such a long way in helping her remain calm.
• being sure to look at her when she's talking or when I'm talking to her so she knows I'm attuned to her helps so much.
• being willing to accept her feelings and her limitations without judgment on my part is huge...it's ok if she doesn't want to play outside anymore; it's ok if she gets really cold really fast; it's ok if she's sad to not be in school.

If you are a mama who can relate, please give me a shout.  And feel free to share this post with others who may be able to relate.

Let's offer one another solutions and ideas.  

The 2016 Blizzard Edition

I've been taking a break from Facebook for the past few weeks, and loving the extra time and mental energy this break has afforded me.  


But, if you've been on Facebook much (or if you happen to live in the mid-Atlantic), you know there's been a blizzard recently.  

In the spirit of my Facebook break, I thought I'd share my pics and thoughts here with more thought than just posting a quick post of pics.  

The time that a blizzard affords us is a gift.  It's a chance to step off of the treadmill of life, slow the pace, savor our homes and our families, play, wonder at God's power and the beauty of His creation, and just breathe.  

My 15-year-old said it best the other day...something along the lines of "in the DC area, man feels like he is invincible and can do all things.  All it takes is a foot or two of snow to bring all of man's efforts to a screeching halt."

Job said it pretty well too: 

'God’s voice is glorious in the thunder. We can’t even imagine the greatness of his power.  “He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down.  Then everyone stops working so they can watch his power." 'Job 37:5-7 NLT

A blizzard that shuts down the city and blocks our streets, closing schools and government offices for days on end, is also a chance to help neighbors and pull together as a community.  

Not only do we spend time together playing, sledding, and drinking hot cocoa...

 but also shoveling, pushing cars, digging out heat pumps and fire hydrants...

and rewarding ourselves with a happy hour fire pit and lots of great food, including Korean BBQ...  

...and we even spent time together as neighbors worshiping on Sunday when all the church services were cancelled.

These pictures make it look glamorous and fun, and it is quite exciting.  Indeed, all the hype in the news and among weather forecasters was justified.
The flip side, however, is that we are all sore and tired from shoveling, the kids are a little out of sorts (some more than others), and even us grown ups might be feeling a little "off" with normal routines disrupted.  For some who struggle more than others with emotional regulation, this disruption can mean an increase in meltdowns and a tenuous tone in the home that everyone can feel.  I feel a blog post coming on along these lines.  Perhaps you have someone in your home who fits this description and I'm not alone.
Until I get to write it, I am praying for wisdom to love my brood well as I support those in my midst who are struggling in these days of abnormal rhythms.  May I be walking in the Spirit and giving life and light to those around me.  

Hello, I'm Amy....and I Used to Blog.

For someone who loves to write, who finds release from the process of putting abstract thoughts and vague emotions into words on a screen, and who thrives on opportunities to reflect on life, love, and the Lord, I have surely been quiet.

My blog posts have gradually tapered from when I would blog regularly on all things, to the point where I would use the occasion of one of Lilly's biannual surgeries to take some time to write, to now barely even chronicling annually.

A previous version of Amy would have viewed this as a failure.  Letting down my readers, perhaps. Or shamefully leaving something I *should* be doing undone or only partly done.

An older and more mature version of Amy has come to accept my lack of blogging as the result of a full life with other priorities and a finite amount of time and energy.

Not only is life full and time scarce, sometimes life's circumstances produce so much to ponder and consider, the mental process of distilling and writing escapes me.

And truly, that's where I've been for about a year now.  Pondering many things up in my heart. Processing things in a way that really doesn't allow for a conscious understanding or neat and tidy distillation.  

But. But but but.  I sense a calling to write again.  There are words inside of me that I haven't yet found, but they are getting ready to organize themselves and flow from my fingers onto a screen.  I feel it.

So, in this new year, I hope to allow for enough quietness in my heart and mind and soul to let those words find their way.



 

The Surprises of Life

Life can bring many surprises.

These surprises are often times outside of our control and possibly things we might not choose for ourselves; Say, for instance, your young, healthy,  40-something husband suffering a stroke while out of town on business and spending a week in a neuro ICU in a regional medical center in another state.

Equally out of our control, these surprises are sometimes happy, such as when that same man makes a miraculous and remarkable recovery and just a few weeks later is fully functional again with only minor issues with balance remaining as any symptom of his mysterious cerebellar stroke.   Praise. The. Lord.

And sometimes, surprises are planned by those we love in order to make us feel loved, cherished, valued, and celebrated.

These surprises are my favorites.

Several people have asked for the back story to the surprise 25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony I posted photos of on Facebook yesterday.

Here it is...

When Tom first proposed to me, we were young, poor, college students.  We were also smitten and felt that God had called us to be married, forever committed to one another, whatever life might bring.  He proposed over a gourmet lunch of macaroni and cheese in my apartment on Charles Street in Baltimore, opposite the campus of Johns Hopkins University.  The ring he gave me on that April day was so lovely and yet so tiny, my future mother-in-law needed to put on her reading glasses to be able to get a good look at it after we were engaged.

Tom decided this year to give me the engagement ring he had dreamed of giving me that day in my apartment.  So while he was TDY in Ohio--prior to his stroke--he did some jewelry shopping.  I had an inkling he was up to something when we started getting mail from Jared's Jewelers in Ohio during his absence.  When he realized that I had learned he had been jewelry shopping, he attempted to throw me off of his trail by giving me some lovely mother’s day jewelry, also from Jared’s.

This past Saturday, we had a lot of things on our calendar--swimming lessons, Chinese class for the mei meis, meeting friends for the Memorial Day concert rehearsal on the mall--but Tom was insistent that he wanted to go for a bike ride with me over lunch.  It would be his first time on a bike since his stroke and he had planned an easy ride on a wide and flat stretch of path for his first outing.  We would park, cycle to Reston Town Center, have some lunch, then cycle back to our car.  I was happy to do a bike ride lunch date with him--our favorite "dates" are those that involve a fun workout together--but I was baffled why he wanted to squeeze this ride in on a day that was already busy and becoming busier with a request from our friend and neighbor, Jesse, who had asked if we could come help with taking some recyclables from our church to the recycling center for him.  Nevertheless, when I arrived home from the girls' swimming lessons mid-morning, he had the bikes mounted on the car ready for our ride.  Anna sweetly offered to shower the girls for me so I could get out the door with Daddy even sooner.  Who am I to second guess an offer from my oldest daughter to help with her mei meis so I can spend time with my man?

So off we went for our ride.  Tom did great on the bike--took it slow and steady to make sure his balance was ok.  We went to Panera for lunch and he ordered mac-n-cheese, not his usual Panera YouPick2 pairing.  I wasn't even hungry, and opted for some iced tea, figuring I would eat at home after we took care of the recyclables at church.

As we sat and ate lunch, Tom commented "isn't it romantic that I'm eating mac-n-cheese and it's our anniversary weekend?" I enjoyed remembering the engagement meal we'd consumed all those years ago, and he declared we should have someone take a picture of us and his mac n cheese.  I was thinking "why not just do a selfie? Why does he need to ask someone to take a picture?" As he came back with a woman willing to take his camera, I realized she was not photographing but videoing us.  He dug into his camelback and pulled out a tiny box.  He then got down on his knee to propose all over again, asking me if I'd marry him and revealing a beautiful diamond solitaire. Of course I said “Yes!” and sat, stunned, while the sweet impromptu videographer congratulated us.  I was a little confused, since our anniversary was actually not for 3 more days.  Why give me the ring today, I thought?  Still, it is a beautiful ring and I admired it nestled in my cycling gloves as we got back on our bikes to head back to the car.

As we cycled back to the car, Tom seemed a little bit concerned about the time.  He actually tried looking at his watch while cycling, not a good move for someone whose balance is still a little off.  He managed to stay upright, and I encouraged him not to worry about the time...we would get to the church in time to meet Jesse and get the recycling.

As it turns out, however, Tom cycled back to the car much more quickly than he had expected, and so we were ahead of the as-yet-unknown-to-me “schedule” as we headed to the church.  Tom, who normally is a bit liberal with the speed limit, was putzing down route 28 toward Chantilly.  He seemed concerned that we were going to be early to meet Jesse, who works at the church. Then he started getting a lot of text messages, so we pulled into a parking lot to let him respond to some texts about our whereabouts.

We finally arrived at the church and went to the appointed door to meet Jesse at the appointed time.  As we entered, Tom again seemed very preoccupied...scanning the hallway and mumbling to himself.  Suddenly, after I could have sworn I saw my son Jared dart across the hallway looking handsome, around the corner came my dear friend Gracie, looking lovely and all dressed up.  She sweetly said "what are YOU doing here?" to which I replied to her "that is the wrong question...what are YOU doing here?" (she does not attend our church and had no reason to be there as far as I could tell) and to Tom I said "what are you up to?" The wheels had been turning and I realized his preoccupation with timing was leading to a grander plan for the afternoon.

Gracie sweetly took my arm and guided me away from Tom and into one of the Sunday school classrooms where she had many items needed to get "ready," including my actual wedding dress, an alternative white dress I had used for beach photos in Florida, several pairs of shoes, and all sorts of toiletries.

Now, mind you, it had been a busy Saturday.  I had been riding a bike just 30 minutes earlier.  And I hadn't showered, nor washed my face, nor even probably brushed my teeth that day!  (sorry, TMI).  And as I stood in that room being told to prepare for something unknown and unexpected, I wanted to cry...because how could I really make myself presentable?  Oh well. I proceeded to do the best I could with a sink, some washcloths and towels, and lots of deodorant!

A little while later, my dear lifelong friend and maid of honor, Sue, entered the room. And then I DID cry.  I actually sobbed.  It was so good to see her and to think she was there on this day when clearly Tom had done some planning to celebrate with people that we love.  She casually asked me “so, how’s your day going?” with a smirk.  Love that woman.

She and I got to chat and catch up a little bit until Gracie appeared again to tell me it was time.  Time for whatever other surprises might await!

So they walked me down the hall to the exit for the picnic area behind the church, gave me a lovely bouquet of flowers that Sue’s sister, Kobey, had prepared (along with all the other lovely flowers I would soon see outside on tables and in my girls’ hands), and directed me to exit at just the right time after Kobey had gotten processional music queued up.

When I came out of the church, I was overwhelmed to see a small gathering of family and friends from many times and seasons of our lives, and to see my dad and my son, Jared, waiting to walk me down the “aisle” (between the picnic tables) to Tom.  I couldn’t look around quickly enough to take it all in and my mind was just racing.  Behind Tom stood his best man, Kevin, still a dear friend to us along with his wife, Mimi. And standing in front, ready to officiate the vow renewal ceremony, was Neil Livingstone, who was our Intervarsity Christian Fellowship staff director during our years at Johns Hopkins University (and who is now a good friend along with his wife, Renea, still serving with IV at the national level, and remains one of the best Bible exegeters I have ever heard).

After the lovely ceremony (during which Tom presented me with the second part of my new ring—now a complete set with four littler diamonds to surround the new solitaire…beautiful) and “that kissing thing” (as Neil put it!), we were able to give hugs and catch up with all the friends and family gathered.  How blessed we are with such great friends over the years and across many miles.

Sue and her mom and sister had outdone themselves in decorating, providing party platters, sparkling cider, and even a gorgeous and delicious cake for the occasion.  Gracie and her husband Kevin had worked hard alongside them to get it all set up and cleaned up afterwards… It was really difficult for me to just relax and enjoy being with people without being a part of the serving and working—my second nature.

At some point during our afternoon, overwhelmed, I looked at Tom and said “no more surprises, right?” To which he replied “actually, there is another surprise—our honeymoon.”

Having just spent a surprise “couples’ week” in Dayton OH in a hospital with him, I was not sure I wanted to be away from our kids again for any length of time, but he had made arrangements for the mei meis to travel to NJ with Aunt Judi and Uncle Doug, who were in attendance and ready to bring the girls to their house for a few days.  Jared was scheduled to work and Anna had opted to stay home to get on top of homework before our planned trip to NJ on Memorial Day.

So, Tom whisked me away to a lovely hotel in Front Royal, and we spent the day today hiking along Skyline Drive in Shenandoah National Park on one of the most glorious days of this year.

So, yes, life can bring surprises.

And I’m so blessed by this amazing surprise.    

Back to CHOP

GOod morning!  If you are reading this then you are a true friend.  I haven't written on my blog for MONTHS.  I have missed my therapeutic writing outlet, but life has been too full to make any time for blogging.  I am hoping to start afresh soon...I have many things I've been pondering and much to write about.  Stay tuned for more.  I'm hoping to be writing more and sharing more of my heart in the coming weeks and months.  

But I'm back today simply to give an update and ask for prayer for our family.

As I type, I am sitting in the wee hours of morning darkness of a small room at the PHiladelphia Ronald McDonald House wiht LIlly asleep in the bed we shared last night.  Yes, it's time fo her next surgery.  Today we will do her pre op appointments--a visit with Dr. Campbell in clinic, X-rays, lab work, and a visit to the anesthesia resource center to clear her for anesthesia tomorrow.

Tuesday will be he next expansion surgery.  We'll find out her show time later this afternoon.

We are so thankful to have been able to get a room at the Ronald McDonald House on CHestnut St. this time...we don't often get a room here, so when we do it's extra special.  We were privileged to meet another VEPTR family here last night--a cutie pie little boy named Miles who is 5 years old, who travels to CHOP from Indiana for his surgeries.  It's always a joy to meet other failies who are familiear with the unique and challenging road that VEPTR kids and families face.

Saying goodbye yesterday to Isabel was very difficutl.  For the past 1-2 weeks, Lilly has been struggling with anxiety, likely tied to tomorrow's surgery, and her anxiety resulted in disrupted sleeo for both the girls for the past few weeks.  Isabel has grown more and more anxious about our departure as the time drew near, and it was hard to see her sobbing as we left, pleading "don't go, Mommy! Don't go!"  Makes me wonder if this goodbye--even if only for 4 days--somehow evokes implicit memories for her of her abandonment at age 3 1/2.  Breaks my heart.  Thankfully Tom was able to keep her happily distracted playing outside yesterday after our departure, but he reports that she was upu at 4 am, fully dressed, this morning, and hasn't really gone back to sleep since...likely wrapped up in her anxieties.

So I'm asking for your prayers for both Lilly as she preparse to undergo surgery, as well as for Isabel (and those caring for her) back home.

For Lilly, we are praying for a smooth expansion, wisdom for Dr. Campbell, relief from the mystery itchiness and hives she typically suffers post op, and no infection as she heals.  For Isabel, please pray for peace in her heart, security in our home with Daddy, Jared, Anna, and our dear friend Becky who will come to help her get out the door to the bus in the morning and help with homework in the afternoon.

Thanks for reading and for caring for our family.

So, it's been awhile...

...and I have all but disappeared from the blogospehere.

My previous post probably helps to explain my absence.  Life has continued to feel much like a broken treadmill with the many unpredictable snowstorms and ice storms blowing the way of Northern Virginia this winter.

But I have learned to alter my gait and we have been cranking along--doing normal weekly stuff and finding time for some family fun, some dinner parties and lunch dates, a women's retreat with my dear friend Gracie, a trip to Florida to mourn the passing of dear friend Cindy, and lots of laundry along the way.

Blogging, however, has been scarce.  Even finding time to think deep thoughts has been scarce.

What have we been doing, you might ask?

Well, since I'm sitting here in the surgery waiting room at CHOP for Lilly's 11th surgery and I have a little bit of time all my myself (with dozens of other waiting parents, some of whom seem pretty relaxed--probably frequent flyers like us--and some of whom look anxious and weary) I thought I'd take a minute and let my fingers bang on the waiting room keyboard.

Tom is working so very hard at Malcolm Grow at Joint Base Andrews.  He is a strong leader and works hard to take care of patients, his people, and processes to make things as efficient as possible.  The snow this winter has prompted him to implement new weather policies, more popular with some people (the patients!) than certain others, but he's always sure to press on to do what's right.  He works equally hard at home to take care of me, keep the house in good repair, and connect with the kids.  I love that man and am so grateful for him.

So, we attended a junior college prep night with Jared a month or two ago and the fact that he will he a senior in the fall and it's time to gear up for the application process is sinking in for all of us.  Jared's words, when I asked him for his thoughts on our way home from the evening, were "Wow.  It's really time for this for me.  Wow."  I concur. The summer--we hope--will involve him working as a lifeguard and thinking deeply about his ambitions and getting those college applications well underway.  He has dreams of attending the Air Force Academy and becoming a pilot, with back up options including civilian schools (such as Embry Riddle) and doing ROTC or even a year of prep school or military enlistment before going back to school.  Praying for God's clear leading and direction for Jared.

Anna is having a good school  year despite her dislike of the snow days, and I suspect she's pretty ready to be a high schooler.  She's not one to partake in middle school girl drama, and she sees a bit of it each day.  She does have some good friends that she enjoys and most of her time at home is spent quietly in her room doing things she enjoys--playing games and reading.  She's done with swim meets for this season...surgery timing has meant we couldn't take part in some of the final meets of the season, and she is pretty middle-of-the-pack for her age group so doesn't usually qualify for the bigger championship meets.  She's happier when she's swimming hard during the week, and recognizes that she is physically stronger and just feels better when she's swimming, so she pretty much tolerates the meets but is in it more for the training and the discipline.  She has a piano recital and festival coming up--I'm glad she still enjoys her music.

I often lump Lilly and Isabel together when I talk about them because they are so close in age and tend to do things together much of the time.  But other than their ethnicity and their age and their last name, these two little girls really couldn't be much different from one another in terms of their personalities.  Lilly, my nearly-8-going-on-38-year-old daughter, is mature beyond her years, thinks deeply about all things, asks serious and probing questions about life and the universe, and get anxious about doing her best at all times.  She takes prayer seriously (today as we waited to go back for surgery, she prayed that God would help her beat me at a card game we were playing--she beat me 5 out of the 6 times we played!) and she puts into practice the things she is learning and memorizing from God's word (when frustrated with Isabel I notice her taking deep breaths and whispering to herself "an angry man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel." Proverbs 15:18)  She does question why God made her with an "S" in her back, and she has begun to ask more questions about her biological family.  I have no answers for either of those questions, other than to tell her how very thankful I am to be her mommy and sometimes God lets us go through hard things for our good for reasons we don't always know.  We celebrated Lilly's 5th anniversary of joining our family this weekend, and it's surreal how quickly 5 years has flown while at the same time not being able to fathom life before her or without her.

Isabel, having been in our family now 2 years, has, in many ways matured and grown astronomically.  When she's relaxed and happy, she is a true joy.  She loves school and her teachers, she loves her family, and she has many friends.  She is happiest when she knows what's on the agenda and things go according to plan, when her tummy is full, and--I'm slowly learning--when mommy is relaxed and happy.  During the time she has been with us, we have been hoping and waiting for her tantrums and episodes of extreme emotional dysregulation to begin to subside.  Sometimes it seems that they have, that the instance of them has decreased.  But truthfully, they still happen frequently, nearly daily, and sometimes our afternoons can feel like just a cascade of emotional stress swirling downward.  As I alluded in earlier posts, the disruption to routines with all the snow days was not helpful, but since it's a part of life, we have been trying to help her learn to cope with disruption.

Because the emotional meltdowns were continuing and--due to my own expectations that they should be gone by now--were leading to my own ugly place of emotional angst, I reached out to a wise adoptive-mama-counselor-friend for some advice.  She recommended a book by Heather Forbes entitled "Beyond Logic, Consequences, and Control" as a starting place.  I quickly devoured the book and its second volume as well.  I'm now in another of her books and have found myself implementing a whole new parenting paradigm with Isabel that is so very counter-intuitive and unnatural to me, but is making a huge difference in how I feel about Isabel as I interact with her, and my hope is that with more positive interactions and less emotional stress in our home, this approach will eventually help the emotional dysregulation in Isabel to diminish as well.  Naturally, emotional stress affects every family member and every relationship in the home, and my hope is that this approach will benefit all of us.  I love her fiercely, but am realizing that my love needs some effective tools to back it up to best nurture her emotional development.

So, in a hefty and long overdue blog post with no photos whatsoever (sorry!), that's what's up with us.

For anyone who has read to the end of this--I thank you!  You obviously love and care for me and for my family!

I just got word that they are now closing up in Lilly's surgery and expect to see Dr. Campbell soon.  I am so thankful for this facility and the excellent care here that allows Lilly to have good quality of life.