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| Bella with Nana and Pap Pap at church the morning after we got home with her. |
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| Our first night at home. Yikes! All of those children are mine! |
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| Ready for our first church outing as a family of 6. |
And yet, it was still different. Something happens with any addition to a family--whether through birth or through adoption--family dynamics change. Sometimes a little, sometimes a LOT.
Change, even when it involves exciting and good things, can be difficult. It takes time to adjust. It causes anxiety, stress, weariness.
So, you might ask, how is it going with the changes in the Cantilina house?
Good question. Glad you asked. And the answer to that question might vary widely depending on which day, which hour, which moment you ask. In addition, I am sure the adjustment is different for each of us, causing different sorts of anxieties in each of us.
But, generalizing, let me say it's actually going pretty well. Sometimes amazingly so. Praise the Lord.
So, let's talk a little bit about each of us:
LILLY:
Obviously her adjustment in all of this is the biggest. She is giving up her berth as the "baby" and is no longer the only cute little Chinese girl in the family. Bella gets lots of attention from others, and Lilly is suddenly having to share everything from her bedroom, her clothes, and her toys, to her Mom and Dad, her sister, and her brother. Plus, she has to go to school while Bella gets to stay home with Mama all day. Lilly was really sick the whole first week Bella was home, which made her very disinclined to play or engage in any way with Bella. It was a rough, rough, first week. Lilly began to show some anger and some resentment, but didn't even really know how to verbalize her feelings. Her anger was directed at me, primarily, and she would vent it by shutting down emotionally, ceasing to attempt to communicate in words, choosing instead to resort to grunting, crying, wailing, kicking, and tantrums. Whew. No fun.
I have had to be very intentional about spending time with her, and recognizing the cues that she is getting ready to go into "angry shutdown" mode so that I can attempt to get Bella occupied elsewhere and give LIlly a few undivided moments. I have had to spend lots of time trying to draw her out and give her the words to express what she is feeling. It is hard work.
But it is really paying off. This second week has been SO much better! I'm sure having decent sleep and being healthy have contributed mightily to this progress. But I also think that Bella and Lilly are beginning to form a sister bond and it is VERY fun to watch it take shape. Lilly has actually been happier this week than I have seen her in a really long time. She enjoys it when Bella tries to copy her or follow her, and today they spent the entire day playing not just side by side, but together. They manage to communicate pretty well without too much help from me, and only need some intervention every now and then to help sort out squabbles or communication gaps.
I am also seeing a new sense of independence in Lilly that has been a long time coming. For the entire school year, she has insisted that Anna sit with her on the bus. Anna was her security and she was heavily dependent on her every single day. Anna, thankfully, willingly complied and was there when Lilly needed her. But this week, Lilly began to declare that she no longer wants Anna to sit with her on the bus home from school. She seems to want some space. And that is good.
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| Headed to the park with our babies. |
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| Zonked after dropping Anna off at swim team... |
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| The week Lilly was so sick we all ended up asleep together on the couch. |
Having been through this transition once before with Lilly--who was much more difficult initially than Bella has been--Anna has handled Bella's arrival really well. Bella has been slowest to warm up to Anna, it seems, than to any other member of the family (in fact, I don't think I even have a photo of just the two if them) which does bother Anna, but as a result, Anna is starting to seek friendships with friends her age rather than just with Lilly, which, again, is a good thing. She is going outside more. And she isn't giving up on Bella--she still tries to engage her and helps her as much as she'll allow. Now and then, she and Lilly still sneak away for some Anna-Lilly time (their bond, which also started out really rocky at first, is very very strong). I am confident that, in time, Bella will warm up to Anna and seek her out when she's home.
JARED:
Jared is probably least impacted by Bella's arrival. His days at school are long, his homework load is heavy, and so he's not very "present" much of the time. Bella LOVES her gege, however, and it is fun to watch him pick her up, carry her around, and play with her. She giggles and squeals and runs to him for more.
TOM:
Tom is feeling the tug of home vs. work right now. He wants to be there to help me as I transition to having a preschooler at home again (more on this below), and yet he has SO much going on at work, and feels pulled in many different directions there. He does a great job of being available to help with transporting the big ones and helping me around the house--especially when Lilly got me sick last weekend. He is most definitely a keeper. Bella loves her Baba, though now that she is with me only most of the day, she expresses her preference for "mama" to be the one to help get her and Lilyl ready for bed and read stories. He is making an effort to make this a tandem event so she gets used to either of us being there for bedtime.
and, last but not least,
AMY:
...not knowing where to start, this will be the subject of another post another day...
Dear Amy — I love this post. I've always wondered about this part of bringing families together through adoption. Writing it down, for you, hopefully brings some catharsis and clarity (and rejuvenation for the next moment!). I found your section on Anna particularly interesting, because I related it to Zoe ... who, more than anyone, has stopped seeking friendships when we move. Peace to you. I think I'm in awe of how brave you are.
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