Life Undone.

This blog post has been rolling around in my brain for several weeks now.

Lately, weeks can go by with such speed that I sometimes find myself bewildered at what month it has already become. 

Indeed, I cannot believe that my last blog post was nearly two months ago.

(In case you've been hanging and wondering about Lilly's infection all this time--my apologies, since that was the last thing about which I blogged--she's doing fine...infection free after a month of antibiotics.  God is gracious and merciful.)

And hence, the reason for the title tonight.

So much.  So fast. 

EmailCarpoolsCalendarsHomeworkMealsGroceriesMedicalAuthorizationsEducationalConsultationsLaundryVacuumingPianoLessonsTidyingDishesDrivingPracticeWalkingDogRefuelingCarWipingCountersMoppingFloorsScrubbingToiletsExercisingDoingBibleStudyPhoneCallsMedicalAppointmentsOTAppointmentsDentalAppointmentsSwimTeamBandPracticeChurchChineseSchool....andit'sMondayagainalready?

I have always been the kind of person who likes things to be in order.  When I was little, I used to get so upset by my brothers (much to their delight) when they would sneak into my room and ever-so-slightly shift the positions of my little Holly Hobbie radio and my little porcelain kitten alarm clock (before the days of clock-radios, before the days of digital clocks, and WAY before the days of cell phone alarms) that I had so perfectly aligned on my night stand.  I used to pack my school book bag the night before and have my clothes laid out for the next morning.  I used to have to-do lists that always got completed and enjoyed the sense of accomplishment and relief when things were *finished* and I could simply relax and do something just for fun. 

Order, control, and completion are things I have had to surrender in this current season of life.  Surrender does not come easily to me.  It is part of my pride complex--self-sufficiency, capability, organization, achievement--all things that I have historically allowed to sort of define me and give me confidence and a sense of self-satisfaction.  Surrender, for me, was the enemy--a mark of failure.

Surrender, however, I must.  Despite my 4am alarm clock, my detailed calendar and to-do list, and my best intentions, I am met at the end of each day, bleary-eyed, with life undone:

Dishes still dirty (or at least clean ones not yet put away).

Laundry un-finished (we'd have to all go naked all day for that to ever really happen.)

Those 10 extra pounds un-lost=clothing unflattering, uncomfortable.

House-cleaning incomplete. (again, we'd have to all move out).

Books stacked on the night stand un-read (most ironic thing ever--one of those books is entitled "Margin" and discusses the need for white space in our lives).

Emails unread or un-addressed.

Correspondence unsent.

Phone calls not made.

Even worse:

Conversation with my man unfinished.

Prayers unthoughtful.

Thoughts unclear.

Emotions uneasy.

Spirit unrefreshed.

All of this is not to somehow say that I am ok with things being undone, that surrender means giving up my goals, that having order in our home and our family life and in my soul is not a worthwhile pursuit.  By all means it is and I will continue to press on toward that end. 

What it does translate into, however, is this: Instead of *self* satisfaction in what I am able to complete and accomplish, I am learning to find *satisfaction* in God alone.  I am learning that it can be well with my soul even when life is somewhat undone.

I am learning to seek discernment early in the morning for the day's priorities so that, at days' end, the  things that are undone are the unimportant. 

 Bless the LORD, O my soul,
  and all that is within me,
  bless his holy name!
 Bless the LORD, O my soul,
  and forget not all his benefits,
 who forgives all your iniquity,
  who heals all your diseases,
 who redeems your life from the pit,
  who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
 who satisfies you with good
  so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
(Psalm 103:1-5 ESV)