Dying to Self

To continue a previous blog post...how is Amy doing with all the transitions?

It's a question with a variety of answers, again depending on the day, hour, and moment you ask.  And even though I left you hanging after that previous post because I didn't even know where to start, these extra few days haven't really made it any easier to write this post tonight.

And so I'll just say...goodnight!  That's all for now, folks!
Ahem.  Sorry. 

I will seriously get on this now. 

I'm doing great.  Really.  It's all good.  And sometimes hard.

Let me start by saying simply this:  adoption is not for the faint of heart.  As I mentioned in my previous post, bringing a new child into your home--whether through birth or adoption--is a major life transition. I have found with both of our adoptions that there is a period of time post-adoption where I experience this very ugly (and also probably very normal) feeling of regret that we brought a new child home and turned everyone's lives upside down and then I get slapped in the face almost immediately with wrenching guilt for having such an ugly feeling as regret.

Let me follow that statement closely with this one:  what a privilege it is to be called to adopt, and to be adopted as a child of God myself.  Even though adoption (or any major life transition, really) is not easy, it is, indeed, a holy calling and brings with it abundant joy. It is when I get past the burden of "self" and think through the wonder of God's love that I experience the joy.  

Those two statements side by side actually help me to see why my response to the question "how are you doing with the transitions?" is ambiguous.  I find myself challenged in so many ways (and perhaps, "pruned" to make me more fruitful) through this process of transition.  Indeed, it is really about dying to self.  Loving in a truer, more sacrificial, way. 

For example, old comfortable routines can be disrupted and a new little being demands your attention, time, energy, patience, and love.  In my case, I am an early morning riser.  I love my mornings.  Note the word "my."  I had grown very accustomed to thinking of those wee hours as belonging only to me to do as I pleased with my time.  I would, generally, have at least 2 hours to myself before I had to get my girls up for school. Jared is a teenager so a) he's pretty nonverbal in the morning and b) he's not usually in the mood for a full up cooked breakfast so he doesn't mind at all if I exercise rather than sit and chat with him over french toast.

So typically my mornings would start with a few of my favorite things:

My daily non-fat latte...

My daily time of Bible study and prayer...

And then perhaps one or more of these:

My spin bike (and OH, how I miss my Body D spin friends and teaching spin classes!)

My running shoes

For our first few weeks with Isabel home, however, I was able to do very few of my favorite things in those wee hours.  She was rising much earlier than my other kiddos.  So, instead of my favorite things, I saw a lot of this:

A pretty cute face to see first thing in the morning, don't ya' think?

Yes, she is one of my most favorite things, too, but those other things are what keep me grounded.  And finding another time to do them while she was awake was extra challenging.  Thankfully, she seems to like the jogging stroller, and sometimes she even says "don't you want to exercise downstairs?  Then I can watch TV!"  My preference, however, is still for those things to happen in the wee hours, all by myself (and I really don't want her watching much TV).  Dying to self...learning to be more flexible in my agenda and time.

Aside from the relatively petty issue of relinquishing familiar routines, bringing a roughly 5-year-old child into your life brings with it the added challenge of parenting a child whose behaviors you have played no part whatsoever up to this point in shaping and molding.  Those early weeks I found myself growing irritated at things Bella did (poor girl!) simply because I had no idea why she did them.  Like bringing me things that I didn't need at that very moment all the time.  And asking me constantly "Whose is this?  Whose is that?" as she tried to get a sense for just what in this house might belong to her.  And asking me constantly "what are you doing Mama?" as she tried to understand my daily routines and activities around the house.  And repeating things over and over, seeking my affirmation that she had it all right, as she ran through each family member's daily schedule.  And using a very whiney tone of voice any time she needed to convey her need to use the restroom.  Dying to self...learning to tolerate undesirable behaviors and beginning to slowly and gently peel back those that need to change.

Creating a virtual twinship (is that a word? or would it be "twinhood?") with Lilly also creates unique parenting moments...as in almost every single moment, every day.  Simply helping them both get used to the other, communicate, and learn to share most everything takes much time and energy.  The girls have come a very VERY long way in the few short weeks Bella has been home, and it warms my heart to see them playing together.  But I see much subtle jockeying for position and possession happening constantly.  Not having parented "multiples" before, I find myself not only second guessing my responses to them, but feeling utterly drained by the end of each day simply trying to love and help them both to the extent that they need.  Dying to self...drawing on wisdom beyond my own, loving beyond my own reserve, and giving beyond my own capacity.

Two other ugly emotions frequently arising through this experience are feelings of guilt and feelings of failure.  They are big ones...to be the subject of another post, another day. 

Beyond the many emotional issues above, logistical issues also abound, especially with such a broad range of ages under one roof. We still want Jared and Anna to be able to do the activities they enjoy, but transportation (with two to buckle into 5-point-harness carseats) and coordinating schedules is not always easy. Thankfully, Tom is great at arranging his schedule to help with some of the driving (which, especially in metro DC traffic, makes a huge difference).  Keeping up with each kids' school assignments and progress and projects is nearly impossible.  Keeping enough clean underwear in the house is nearly as hard.  Each week sort of has the feel of a marathon--and by Friday we are all ready for the post-race massage and recovery.

It's really easy (and tempting) to look out my windows at other houses and other families, and envy the fact that their lives are still "normal" and their "well-adjusted happy" children are not having to cope with major life upheaval and deal with parents who are frazzled and weary.  I know, however, that such thinking is foolish, as every single human being faces challenges and stress and friction. 

On the whole, I am beyond grateful for these challenges and the changes in our lives that have brought them.  My joy is to love with God's crazy love and to enjoy moments like these: 

It's the Little Things...

...that make my heart happy. 

Today we delivered some of Anna's too-small dresses to a neighborhood friend (it will be years before they fit Lilly and Bella).  As we approached their door, my friend opened her door with a wide smile and arms full of her own daughter's too-small clothes to pass on to Lilly and Bella (neither of us had known the other planned to deliver hand-me-downs today...).  It was a funny moment.   I so appreciate the blessing of sharing clothes and other no-longer-needed items with others.

But to top that off, after I had explained to a very curious Bella what all the things were that our neighbor had just handed us, I said to her (in Chinese and also in typical mother-fashion): "they just gave us all of these clothes for you and Lilly!  What do you say to her?"  Bella, smiling widely, began to say "谢。。。“ (Xie...) but before she got to the second 谢Xie in Xie Xie she stopped herself and said carefully "Sank You!"  (yes, with an "S" rather than a "Th") Oh my goodness, I was so proud!

Just a few minutes later, we headed to our neighborhood park for some sun and sliding before lunch.  When we arrived, the slides were all wet.  Two very disappointed little girls didn't know what to do.  One disappointed mama didn't know what to do at first either...I hadn't brought a towel and didn't want to totally soak my own bottom by sliding down first.  They were really wet.  So...Superdad to the rescue!  Tom arrived in response to my cell phone call with a nice big towel and took care of all that water for his girls.  Hooray for Superdad!

Within another few minutes, who arrives at the park but Anna (Jie Jie or "big sister" as Bella calls her) bringing with her a tote filled with stuffed animals.  The three girls proceeded to play a game of petshop, using playground mulch as their currency, and--for the first time ever--Bella engaged in imaginary play with Anna. 

Oh my heart. 

Love those little things.  They all add up to big things.

Language Lesson for the Day

Taking a break from the more serious posts, let me tell you about our 10 minutes of "Chinese only" at dinner last night.

Not only did we learn the Chinese word for "fart" (or, as Tom vehemently insists that we refer to said bodily function when speaking English: "flatulate"), but we also discovered that there are distinct words in Chinese for "fart" (ahem, so sorry, "flatulate"), "stinky fart," and "poisonous gas fart."

Maybe it doesn't seem as funny to you this morning? So sorry to spoil your coffee. It was, to us, EXTREMELY funny last night. And it felt good to laugh so very hard together. Even though Bella had really no idea why her family was in hysterics with tears rolling down our faces.

Aren't you glad you checked the blog today? You never know what you might learn!

2 Weeks--Grafting In

Two weeks ago tonight, we entered our home for the first time with Bella.  There was much excitement, we were greeted by Nana, Pap Pap, Jared, Anna, Lilly (and Tad stayed outside for awhile) with balloons, chocolate cake, ice cream sundaes, and love.  It was so good to be back in our home again after 2 weeks away...so good to be with our other children again...so good to sleep in our own beds.

Bella with Nana and Pap Pap at church the morning after we got home with her.

Our first night at home.  Yikes!  All of those children are mine!

Ready for our first church outing as a family of 6.

And yet, it was still different.  Something happens with any addition to a family--whether through birth or through adoption--family dynamics change.  Sometimes a little, sometimes a LOT. 

Change, even when it involves exciting and good things, can be difficult.  It takes time to adjust.  It causes anxiety, stress, weariness. 

So, you might ask, how is it going with the changes in the Cantilina house? 

Good question.  Glad you asked.  And the answer to that question might vary widely depending on which day, which hour, which moment you ask.  In addition, I am sure the adjustment is different for each of us, causing different sorts of anxieties in each of us. 

But, generalizing, let me say it's actually going pretty well.  Sometimes amazingly so.  Praise the Lord. 

So, let's talk a little bit about each of us:

LILLY:
Obviously her adjustment in all of this is the biggest.  She is giving up her berth as the "baby" and is no longer the only cute little Chinese girl in the family.  Bella gets lots of attention from others, and Lilly is suddenly having to share everything from her bedroom, her clothes, and her toys, to her Mom and Dad, her sister, and her brother.  Plus, she has to go to school while Bella gets to stay home with Mama all day.  Lilly was really sick the whole first week Bella was home, which made her very disinclined to play or engage in any way with Bella.  It was a rough, rough, first week.  Lilly began to show some anger and some resentment, but didn't even really know how to verbalize her feelings.  Her anger was directed at me, primarily, and she would vent it by shutting down emotionally, ceasing to attempt to communicate in words, choosing instead to resort to grunting, crying, wailing, kicking, and tantrums.  Whew.  No fun. 

I have had to be very intentional about spending time with her, and recognizing the cues that she is getting ready to go into "angry shutdown" mode so that I can attempt to get Bella occupied elsewhere and give LIlly a few undivided moments.  I have had to spend lots of time trying to draw her out and give her the words to express what she is feeling.  It is hard work.

But it is really paying off.  This second week has been SO much better!  I'm sure having decent sleep and being healthy have contributed mightily to this progress.  But I also think that Bella and Lilly are beginning to form a sister bond and it is VERY fun to watch it take shape.  Lilly has actually been happier this week than I have seen her in a really long time.  She enjoys it when Bella tries to copy her or follow her, and today they spent the entire day playing not just side by side, but together.  They manage to communicate pretty well without too much help from me, and only need some intervention every now and then to help sort out squabbles or communication gaps. 

I am also seeing a new sense of independence in Lilly that has been a long time coming.  For the entire school year, she has insisted that Anna sit with her on the bus.  Anna was her security and she was heavily dependent on her every single day.  Anna, thankfully, willingly complied and was there when Lilly needed her.  But this week, Lilly began to declare that she no longer wants Anna to sit with her on the bus home from school.  She seems to want some space.  And that is good.

Headed to the park with our babies.

Zonked after dropping Anna off at swim team...

The week Lilly was so sick we all ended up asleep together on the couch.

ANNA:

Having been through this transition once before with Lilly--who was much more difficult initially than Bella has been--Anna has handled Bella's arrival really well.  Bella has been slowest to warm up to Anna, it seems, than to any other member of the family (in fact, I don't think I even have a photo of just the two if them) which does bother Anna, but as a result, Anna is starting to seek friendships with friends her age rather than just with Lilly, which, again, is a good thing.  She is going outside more.  And she isn't giving up on Bella--she still tries to engage her and helps her as much as she'll allow.  Now and then, she and Lilly still sneak away for some Anna-Lilly time (their bond, which also started out really rocky at first, is very very strong).  I am confident that, in time, Bella will warm up to Anna and seek her out when she's home.

JARED:

Jared is probably least impacted by Bella's arrival.  His days at school are long, his homework load is heavy, and so he's not very "present" much of the time.  Bella LOVES her gege, however, and it is fun to watch him pick her up, carry her around, and play with her.  She giggles and squeals and runs to him for more. 

TOM:

Tom is feeling the tug of home vs. work right now.  He wants to be there to help me as I transition to having a preschooler at home again (more on this below), and yet he has SO much going on at work, and feels pulled in many different directions there.  He does a great job of being available to help with transporting the big ones and helping me around the house--especially when Lilly got me sick last weekend.  He is most definitely a keeper.  Bella loves her Baba, though now that she is with me only most of the day, she expresses her preference for "mama" to be the one to help get her and Lilyl ready for bed and read stories.  He is making an effort to make this a tandem event so she gets used to either of us being there for bedtime.

and, last but not least,

AMY:

...not knowing where to start, this will  be the subject of another post another day...



All 'Bout Bella

First, a word about her name...  We are still calling her "Ya Ya", her Chinese nickname, a good portion of the time.  It seems to fit and that is still what she considers her name to be.  When we chose "Isabel" as her name (and there are SO many variations on the spelling!  Yikes!), I was intent on calling her Isabel rather than "Bella" most of the time, even though the rest of my family had planned on calling her "Bella" most of the time.  I even got "Isabel" embroidered on her little backpack.  Now that we have met her and know her, however, she is, most definitely a "Bella."  And Bella is much easier for her to say, for now, than "Isabel."  So she is learning that her English name is "Bella".  And she seems to like it!

She is adjusting well overall. We are seeing more sides of her personality now--in China she was all smiles and giggles and didn't say much except in response to questions. Now that we're home and she and I spend many hours at home together, she talks nonstop, babbling on about things in our house, asking questions about what our day will hold, complaining about the dog coming near her, and frequently asking me for tissues for her runny nose.

She feels the need to constantly bring things to me or pick things up from the counter to ask whose they are.  For instance, she frequently says "Mama, here's your phone!" and tries to give it to me when I've left it on the counter while I'm cleaning the kitchen or cooking.  I've learned to just say "Thank you!  Please put it back!"  It drove me a little crazy the first few days! 

She still smiles and giggles A LOT when around lots of people--as a result, she is absolutely charming to new people because she just seems so very happy and receptive. I am now realizing, however, that this behavior is sort of a front for nervousness when she doesn't seem to know how to respond and feels somewhat out of control. It can quickly turn from hysterical laughter to hysterical sobbing because she is on such an edge emotionally sometimes.

Her Mandarin is very clear (though she has more of a southern accent than the Beijing hua I was trained in) and our conversations throughout the day are 100% in Chinese.  When everyone else is home, she and I still speak Chinese, and the rest of the gang joins in when they can...lots of Cantilina Chinglish happening around here again.  Sometimes we'll set aside 15 minutes and only Chinese is allowed...no English from anyone unless they need to whisper to mom to ask how to say something.  It is fun to watch Lilly start to speak more Chinese again...when I complimented her recently on accuately translating something Bella had said she said seriously "Mom, I AM Chinese...."  Made me smile. 

Bella is beginning to speak some English words...  For now she is mostly just parroting things she hears as she hears it, but we are seeing glimpses of her understanding some of the words.  She used her first "Chinglish" sentence a few nights ago, declaring at dinner that "我不要cheese." (I don't want cheese). 

Speaking of dinner, this girl sure can eat!  Thankfully, she does not have any "food issues" like Lilly had when we first brought her home (screaming for all visible food, eating way too much and making herself sick).  I wish I could get Lilly to eat half of what Bella is capable of consuming.  I'm pretty sure she eats more than I do.  Mostly, she enjoys what we normally eat, though I do find myself making fried noodles for breakfast now and then. 

Her behaviors and her mannerisms definitely have us thinking that she is either younger than her "estimated" age of 5 years and 9 months (her age was estimated when she was abandoned over 2 years ago...they say she was 3 1/2 at the time) or she truly is developmentally delayed in certain ways. We are hoping to do some medical testing to get a better assessment of her actual age so that we know more clearly what her delays may be. Next week I begin the process of having her evaluated for her educational needs...we will see where that leads. For now, I am doing my best to just incorporate lots of therapeutic types of play--matching games, playdough, coloring, playing at the park, puzzles, etc. 

We are in the process of getting her scheduled for her first medical exams and dental exams.  Her teeth look much better than they did in China (thanks, Amy Phillips for the spin brush!), but they still clearly need some attention from a professional. 
She is getting used to the dog.  He is not her favorite part of the family.  At all.  But she tolerates him much better than she used to, and she is learning how to order him around like Lilly does.

She is only in the past day or two really starting to enjoy playing with toys.  She frequently says "I don't want to play with toys" and instead comes with me to help me empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, etc.  When I (or someone else) engages with her, she plays a little bit with toys, but does better with puzzles and games rather than imaginative play.  I was happy to see her today starting to play with our play oven and play food and pretend to cook some food (lots of it!) and even use the little potholder to get the "hot" things out of the oven.
 
She seems really sensitive to sunlight.  She does not want to leave the house without sunglasses on, even when it's overcast.  I need to get some more sunglasses that fit her...the ones we have are mostly baby sized and they pop off of her face! 

She also gets cold really easily.  She frequently wants to wear a coat in the house and gloves outside, even when I'm just wearing a light jacket.  And she shivers violently after a bath until we get her good and dry and bundled up.

She LOVES Jared.  She gets so excited when he comes home!  It's fun to watch her run over and throw herself at him.  She loves her Baba too.  She comes running for him, too.

That's all for now...I'm sure I'll think of more to say about Bella later...it will have to be another post for another time, cause I gotta tell you about "grafting in."

A Family of 6 for 11 Days--A Random Mish Mash of Thoughts

Hello dear readers! 

I am coming up for air after a week and a half home...it's the first time I've felt able to take a few minutes to attempt to bang out an update for the blog. I am taking advantage of the fact that tonight was leftover night and the kitchen is already clean and the kids are all in bed and I am not needing toothpicks to prop my eyes open tonight.

There is no way I can fully capture the many emotions and thoughts from the past week and a half as we have begun the adjustment process of having Bella in our family. I cannot begin to describe the many things we are discovering about her and the many ways we are seeing ourselves each being stretched, challenged, and molded through this experience, just as we were 3 years ago with Lilly.

But I will try.

Our first week home last week was a doozy.

Our first day with everyone back to school and Tom back to work went really well. Bella and I went for a jog, got some groceries, and played around the house.

That night, however, Lilly woke up in the night with a high fever--a virus that brought with it runny nose and nasty nasty cough that prohibited Lilly from sleeping for nearly 4 nights. She was home from school from Tuesday through Friday and during the day she wa feeling so bad that she just wanted to be held all day long. I felt as if I was neglecting Bella and wasn't able to engage her the way I would have liked to. The upside was that the little girls got some concentrated time together with no one else around so they could beging forming a bond. (though Lilly didn't feel much like playing or sharing my attention with anyone). 

Bella got sick later in the week--very brief fever and one tummy episode--and I had a similar bug on Sunday. By Sunday night I felt like I had been hit by the aircraft that brought us home last week.

We are, I am happy to report, finally all healthy and doing well.  Praise the Lord!

More to come in a few future posts about things we are seeing in Bella and learning as we get to know her better, and more about how our family dynamics are.

Oh, and now that I'm not typing blog updates on the iPad, how about some PHOTOS??

All for now.

A Bittersweet Final Day in Guangzhou--Homeward Bound Tomorrow

We have successfully managed to fill our days this week with fun and relaxing ways to pass the time in Guangzhou--sometimes on our own and sometimes with friends from our group. We have had several group dinners by the playground at the hotel--once ordering in Papa Johns (the night after the goose intestines we were all longing for something more, ahem, familiar) and last night we brought back delicious Chinese carryout from a local "to-go" type restaurant. Those evenings are fun times with our friends--who have become like family--watching the kids run and play together. The hotel is filled with so many adoptive families from all over the world--no matter where we go there are people who seem like friends almost instantly because of our common adoptive experiences.

We have spent quite a lot of time simply walking through the beautiful Yuexiu Park, just across the busy street from our hotel. The park is enormous and filled with lush green foliage, fragrant blossoms, scenic lakes, paddle boats, and people of every age. You can easily forget that just outside the park gates is a busy metropolis, as birdsong fills the air and the sight of people simply strolling and relaxing brings on a very carefree feel. Today as we walked around we saw many groups of older adults exercising together, playing in musical groups, holding choir rehearsals, dancing, and doing Tai Ji Quan. Young couples strolled hand-in-hand or sat snuggling on benches. Young parents and some grandparents chased young children over the sidewalks. Everywhere we went we got smiles--and some stares--and many people attempted to speak English to Ya Ya, which made me laugh inside.

Our resolve to enjoy our time in China--even while our divided hearts longed to be home with our other 3 kids--was indeed fruitful this week. Now that we find ourselves homeward bound tomorrow, I find myself experiencing myriad emotions, some bitter, some sweet. I find myself mourning the losses Ya Ya has already experienced in her short life--abandonment at a young age, life in an institution, "abandonment"/relinquishment by those familiar caregivers to our care.

At the same time I find myself in many ways anticipating the new lossees that Ya Ya is about to experience as we depart her birthland and the familiarity of her language and culture. Even though she has made an enormous transition just staying with Tom and me for the past 10+ days and living in 5-star luxury, she has still been surrounded by Chinese speakers and familiar faces, not to mention wonderful new little friends in our travel group, especially Yuan Yuan. Many in our group depart this afternoon for Hong Kong, and we are going too make sure to see them off when they leave the hotel today. Thank God for skype, facebook and e-mail technology so that these girls can stay in touch.

Even though an adoption trip is physically and emotionally exhausting, I know that our harder work lies ahead once we get home and begin the process of cultivating a new family dynamic and grafting Bella into our midst. She has been amazingly resilient so far, but I know she harbors some fear about the changes yet to come. Yesterday, as I was scrolling through photos on my phone, I came across a few shots of her new bedroom at home that she had not yet seen. I showed her the bedroom she will share with Lilly and the two little beds and cute little toys and books. As I explained that this is where she will sleep she began to shake her head and said, very seriously "I'm not going there." I explained that this really was where we were going and this IS our home--soon to be her new home--and that Jared, Anna, and Lilly (who we see everyday on Skype) are waiting for us there and can't wait for her to come home. Still, she shook her head, and, with tears in her eyes, said "I don't want to go there." When I asked her where she does want to go she said "I want to go home. I'm scared." I am truly not sure what "home" means to her, and she doesn't seem to really know either. She cried for a little while as I hugged her and reassured her that she had already grown to trust baba and me, and that she would soon feel at home in this new place.

We didn't mention it again until this morning at breakfast, when I was talking to Yuan Yuan about everyone's various itineraries home and asked her if she'd like to see Ya Ya's room and siblings. So we shared our photos and Ya Ya got to seem them again, too. I told Ya Ya that Yuan Yuan would be leaving today and we'd be leaving tomorrow...she didn't say much in response, but didn't look sad either. When we skyped home after breakfast, Jared took her on a tour of the house with his laptop webcam, so she got to see many of the rooms (and meet Nana and Pap Pap as well!)

My prayer is that she will manage this transition just as well as her transition to our care last week. And I know that the transitions for each of us will continue for many months to come. My prayer for each of us is that we will truly reflect God's crazy, sacrificial love both within and without our new family dynamic.