Post-Surgery Caregiver's Letdown?

So it's nearing the end of a surgery week, and I am feeling weary.  Feeling a bit out of steam, a bit unfocused, and, for a few days after discharge on Tuesday, I was even feeling weepy and emotionally fragile.

Backing up a bit, last I wrote, we were enjoying some summer aquatic fun because Lilly's incisions from her May surgery were finally healed nice and tight.

And our summer was quite full of fun things, lots of swimming, adventures in Maine, the girls' overnight week at Mount Gilead girls camp, and a week serving as a family at New Life Bible Camp in Pennsylvania.  

Interspersed in all that summer fun was an aborted surgery that had been scheduled for late July.  In the week or two leading up to her schedueld surgery date, Lilly had been having some pain that was more intense than her usual it's-time-for-an-expansion-pain, and I began to notice that her rod was looking pretty prominent in her lower back again.  Hmmmm.  So on surgery morning--after we had fasted and bathed and done the pre op CHG wipes--within minutes of them being ready to walk us back to the OR, Dr. Campbell cancelled the surgery in order to make sure that Dr. Taylor, the plastic surgeon, could be in the OR in case we needed to do any more muscle flap or other plastic surgery procedures to ensure adequate coverage for her rods.  Always a let down to gear up for surgery and then have it cancelled, but it was definitely the right thing to do. So, that morning,  grabbed some breakfast and headed home for a few more weeks of summer fun. 

And then it was time for back to school (Anna's a senior--whoa!!--Lilly is a 6th grader, and Bella is a 5th grader) and re-entering fall routines and rhythms.  Back to school time is always exciting and mixed in with the excitement and energy is always a time of steep learning as we get to know teachers, routines, expectations, etc.  The scheduled Back-to-School parents' nights add not only to the family calendar but also to the mental weight of this mama, who is constantly wanting to be sure each of the kids is in the right place, getting the right kinds of support at school. 

Interrupting the newly-reestablished flow of fall routines, however, was the rescheduled surgery date--September 11.  A Monday.  Which meant that pre op appointments had to take place on Friday.  Which meant either another weekend spent out of town and separated as a family, or it meant several trips to Philly.  In light of Tom's birthday weekend and some events at church that we didn't want to miss, we opted for the additional driving.  So last Friday Lilly and I drove up to Philly and back in one day for her pre op appointments, then drove back up Sunday evening for her 5:45am Monday surgery show time.  Lots of time in the car.  We had a poor night's sleep at the Sheraton in Philly (no room ata the Ronald McDonald House this time) due to some pre-surgery anxiety for Lilly and some loud neighbors, but we made it up and to CHOP on time and all the pre op went smoothly.

Surgery itself went well.  Dr. Campbell was able to cut some bone in her pelvis to allow the rod to sit a little deeper in her back, and Dr. Taylor was able to make several deep muscle flaps to better protect the rods.  Dr. Campbell expanded the rod on the left side but not the right (in order that she might have a "comfort" side).   She had more pain than she would for a typical expansion surgery because of all the muscle and bone work they did, but she came out of surgery with no drain and was actually able to get discharged after only one night in the hospital--a day or two earlier than we had expected this time around.  

We got home Tuesday evening, and I kept Lilly home Wednesday to make sure she was in good shape pain-wise to head back to school Thursday, which she did.  She hasn't needed much in the way of pain medicine since we got home, with the greater discomfort coming from itchiness.  

While I am extremely grateful that the surgery went well, that Tom and the kids at home survived (and we had fabulous friends helping with Bella, who really struggles emotionally when we are away), I found myself for the couple of days following our return home to be weary, blue, irritable.  Not what I wanted.  Not what anyone in my home needed.  When we're away for surgery, many of my normal activities and areas of involvement have to be put on pause, and it has been harder to push the "play" button again this time.  

I am having to give myself grace to ease back into things, much in the same way I allow Lilly to ease back into things.  And praying for wisdom and discernment as to whether some things don't even need to be picked back up.  

And I find myself pondering how common "post-surgery caregiver let down" (my made-up title for what I've been feeling) might be.  I wouldn't be surprised to learn that I'm not alone in these experiences and feelings.